When you open up to someone and really let them in, you're being vulnerable and you're giving them the right and ability to hurt you. It's a chance you're taking. Yeah it sucks when they take that chance, but chances are a part of life. 

So... This week a recurring theme has been happening. I have a letter from a friend in my Bible as a bookmark and in it they use a passage from Romans 7 verses 15-20 to describe something they're going through and something that God spoke to them. This is the passage: "For I don't understand what I am doing. For I do not do what I want - instead, I do what I hate. But if I do what I don't want, I agree that the law is good. But now it is no longer me doing it, but sin that lives in me. For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For I ant to do the good, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but I do the very evil I do not want! Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer me doing it but sin that lives in me." But...... I also read two random books this week that were not assigned reading, no one told me I had to, I simply decided I wanted some added bulk to the reading list. And in those books that very passage was not only alluded to, it was quoted. Also it just happened to randomly come up during one of my quiet times as well. Coincidence? I think not. 

Something that this passage really speaks of is the evil that we do but don't want to do and yet still do. Why do we as humans do that? We always set our mind to want to do something and to have so many goals and yet we don't truly strive for them, we do the exact thing that we set out not to do. When we are broken and lost and in deep dark places, we do the very thing we don't want to do. And we hurt the very person we set out NOT to hurt. The person we care for the most. It's a constant struggle. Not against what you want to do, but an even stronger struggle agains that which you absolutely do not want to do. It's like when you really open up to someone and let them in and let the see the true you. That gives them the opportunity and the chance to hurt you. They may love you, they may truly deeply care for you, and they may love you more than their very own life. But there's still that 50/50 chance that they'll hurt you. They may not want to hurt you, but they may do just that. Even though they don't want to. It's a chance we take with life. We humans are such an interesting species. We don't want to hurt and yet we cause ourselves more pain, we don't want to hurt someone but half the time by trying not to we do, we want to be with someone but we run from them, we fall in love with someone and become afraid and end up leaving. The list of our paradoxes goes on and on. Always we're having to struggle to try not to do what we don't want to do. It doesn't make any sense. But it's life. 

Life is a really funny thing. And it NEVER turns out the way we want it to. This world is full of broken and hurting people who are being crushed under such weight from their past that they can't see the lights of freedom. And I was one of those people. I was existing in the present, but living in the past. How often do we do that?We "mess up" what we have going and the futures we have within our grasps because we are still living in the past. We haven't moved on from what happened, what we did, what we felt, whatever it is holding us back we can't let go. That's exactly how I was. If someone hurt me I never forgot that pain, yeah I would forgive them and act alright, but that pain would still be inside of me, in my mind, in my heart, in who I was. I was giving away pieces of my heart and of who I was left and right because whenever someone hurt me I never let go. I remembered that pain and became terrified of it happening again. Giving your heart away doesn't just happen when you do something physical and sexual with someone or even just emotionally give it away. It happens when you don't let go to what happened, when you hold on to any pain or harm that someone caused, when you live in the past. It tears you apart piece by piece until nothing is left but an empty shell of the person who was. That's what was happening to me. Romans 7:24 really expresses what I felt and really thought if I was honest and laid down my masks and my walls. "Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" That's all that life had become, a body of death. At every turn, in every moment, I was dying even more. That's the only thing that was certain and that I could count on, death. It was going to happen, and it was already creeping up on me so swiftly. 

The certainties in life are supposed to be life, love, and freedom through Christ! Not death. Not destruction. Not pain. What are the certainties in your life? Are you doing the very things you don't want to do? Are you living in your past while seemingly existing in the present? Are you giving yourself away piece by piece and living in a body of death? If you answered "yes" to one, more, or all of those questions, well there's hope. You don't have to die. You don't have to lose yourself and become one of the walking dead. Your heart can beat again, you can feel again, you can love again, and most importantly you can trust again. It's one of the hardest things to do, to actually do and gain what you want to. But the struggle and the pain that you have to face because of it is worth it! There were so many times where I wanted to run, so many chances to do so, but I didn't. I stopped letting the pain kill me, and instead I faced a different type of pain. The pain that was my heart starting back again. The pain of life beating through my veins once more. The pain of the sunlight burning away my seemingly everlasting night. It hurts, and it flat out SUCKS sometimes. Sometimes you just want to and have to scream. But it's a pain that hurts so good because you realize that you're not dying anymore, you're killing your flesh and letting your spirit live! Inevitably in order to live you must become a murder and become "suicidal" and die. You have to murder your flesh and kill it, you have to be willing to die and to kill yourself - kill that part of you that does what you don't want to do, and you have to really let that part die. I love how the only way to truly live and to truly escape death is to die. It's amazing the way God works so many things out. 

I know it's super easy to speak these things and to talk all big and seem all bold on paper and in print when you aren't having to actually face to face with people. But trust me, I'm not just blowing smoke, and I'm not just typing and saying these things because I want to look smart. I'm bearing struggles I'm fighting, I'm being vulnerable with you, and I'm being real. While I'm typing these things, I'm still going through them and I'm still fighting them. It's a life long struggle. Some things happened earlier this week that made me want to scream. I was enraged, past a point that few have seen me cross. And I just wanted to fight back and/or run. I wanted to get far away from everything. Because the width of the world wasn't even enough space. I just wanted to run, I wanted to scream, to cry, to do something but feel pain. I wanted to lash out. But.... I didn't. My flesh wanted to do all those things. But I honestly didn't want to do those things. The part of me that has grown and that has gotten closer to Christ didn't want to do them at all. I wanted to just forgive, let go, and move on. I had to really fight against doing what the sin in me wanted to do but was the very thing that I didn't want to do. And guess what, I won that battle. The Christ in me won. I didn't do what I didn't want to do. And 1 Corinthians 10:13 shows why/how. "No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others. And God is faithful: He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trail he will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it." God had given me this verse I thought for someone else, but instead it was for me too. And it's for you. Whatever you face, no matter how big, no matter how dark, how painful, how scary, you can get over it and you can escape it. He will ALWAYS provide a way out and nothing will be to big that it will overtake you. He will never give you something too big for Him to handle in you. So always give whatever you face up to Him. That's what I did. Instead of running again I stood put. Instead of lashing out again and fighting, I prayed for them. Instead of letting my anger fester, I asked for God's eyes to see them the way they really are. And instead of dwelling on my own pain, I asked for God's heart to understand theirs and know why. Ask and you will receive. It's true. I got what I asked for. And lost my ability to be angry, and my desire to be angry as well. 

You see, when you truly live you have to face the possibility of pain, betrayal, hardships, and everything. But it doesn't matter what happens to you, it matters what you do in response to what happens. When you fall will you get back up? When life throws lemons at you will you throw them back with anger and "justice"? Or will you take those lemons and use them to do the goofy lemon peel smiles, and get the insanely funny expressions that you can only get from sucking on their intensely sour juice? Do you really want to be bogged down by your past and past pain? Or do you want to grow from it, find the good, find the silver lining, and have fun learning from mistakes and getting closer to the heart of God? Because let me tell you... There's always something to laugh about. There's always something to rejoice in. And there's always an opportunity to be a witness to someone else with everything that you do. 

It all comes down to this question: When life hits you, will you do that which you don't want to do, or will you fight and do what your soul and Christ in you really wants to do?

Thank you for taking the time to sit through reading all of my rambling. I am a young person, with an old soul and an over asking mind. When I say I just let these go wherever they want to I mean that. And this one is no exception. I wasn't planning on writing about any of this at all. I was going to do more of a day by day, event based outline of this week. But hey, this is already all typed out and it's what God laid on my heart. 

So here you go my friends. This is the first blog post from Chiang Mai, and just a drop in the thoughts of my mind and in what all God has to reveal through each and every one of us. Are you going to run, or are you going to say "yes Lord" and find your voice to finally speak? Looks like this little lion is finally deciding to find her voice. I pray you are too. May God bless each and every one of you, and may He encounter you in completely shattering and world wrecking ways that mold you into the masterpiece of clay that you are meant to be! Thank you again for your time, thoughts, and prayers.