This week has gone by so fast. It really does seem like time flies. It's so hard to believe that this is now my last week in Chiang Mai and that I only have ten more days left in Thailand.... Absolutely insane. So much has happened in one week that it's hard to really comprehend. We had a man come and speak to us about his life in the mission field and another talk on how to evangelize to and pray for Buddhists. Then we went into the slums more and played with our precious little kids! Those little ones have stollen my heart! I absolutely love them and am going to miss them so much. It makes me sad knowing that I only have two more times of going in and playing with them, but I'm so happy knowing that there are new teams here now that are going to love on them and show them God's heart after we leave. Then we went into the bars some more ( I sadly only have one more day left of going into the bars as well ), and I actually beat the woman, who I've been pouring into and meeting, once in pool. It was by complete luck though, I didn't think I was going to make the shot so I just called a pocket and it went right in, perfectly sunk! The next game I lost though =/ that's more of the normal swing of things haha. She is extremely good at pool! We also reduced the number of our team by one this week, it's one of those bitter sweet things. I know that he is following God's voice and God's plan, but it also made me want to cry seeing him go and taking him to the airport. (okay so confession.... I did cry..... I'll admit that. Just not to Anna haha) So the dynamic of the team has changed quite a bit now, and our schedule and how everything is working is also changing this week as well. Let's see what else happened.... We had a Valentine's Day dinner and our translator came with us! I love that girl so much! That was a lot of fun, we went to the pretty nice (but not overly priced) restaurant and ate. The food was pretty grand. Oh and earlier that day our whole team went into the slums and we decorated paper hearts with the kids. And I wont lie. I was praying to God that I would love to get a Valentine or something this Valentine's (or this Singles Awareness Day haha) and while I was sitting there this little man, named Amo, came up and gave me the heart he had been working on decorating for quite a while! So I ended up getting a Valentine after all! And from an adorable little man, who just so happens to be the little dude I'm holding in my facebook profile pic. When we went in with the other teams I was talking to one of the guys from one of the teams and he came up and almost hit the guy, my little man gets jealous haha. ;) But seriously, I love all of those kids so much!!! A lot more has happened as well, and a lot of personal things, but that's too much to write. 

Now for what God's speaking into my life now. I honestly, at one point, was just talking to God and I just flat out said "Okay God, I'm majorly struggling right now. I really don't want to finish this thing out and I don't want to do the next school. I want to so badly just shut down, retreat into my box again, and disappear. I'm at my breaking point, and I don't want to do this. So if you want me to, then make the path straight. Make it to where I can't go anywhere else, and please give me some help. I'm about to break and I'm so tempted and so close to just checking out right now." And then Amo gave me the card, Muy (this adorable little girl) told me she loved me, the woman I've been meeting up with in the bars said she sees me as her daughter and she loves me and is going to miss me, and God brought some random people into my life who are now helping me with some of the finances for WISE school. Moral of this story, I was about to break, I wanted to run, I was legitly struggling and I couldn't finish alone. So I called on God, and He came! He showed me what I was doing is making a difference, that I am changing the individual, and the world one person at a time. And that I'm meant to be here. He gave me the strength to finish and to get through the struggles because I called on Him. I'm still struggling with personal stuff, but I'm no longer struggling alone. And ya know what, He taught me something about this too. It's good I'm struggling, it's good I'm legitly struggling and having to try so hard and getting worn out and fighting to the end of my strength. Because it drove me closer to Him, made me lay it down and accept His help, and because I am struggling. I'm not running this time when it gets hard, I'm pressing through instead of pressing it down. So struggling is good because it means that we are fighting! God hears our prayers, sees our tears, and is with us when we cry. He understands and feels our struggles, and he knows our pain. We're never alone. We just have to take off the blinders and see that He is here. The first step to that is simply asking for His help. Ask and you shall receive. 

My leader tonight asked me to pray about things that I need to work on during our last week here and to bring them up in our next one on one. Well what she didn't know when she asked that was that God's already been revealing that to me. You see I have a heart that is still broken, I'm still afraid. I'm not terrified anymore like I used to be, but none the less there is still a tiny bit of fear mixed in there. I get attached to people with my heart instead of getting attached to them and loving them with God's heart. So I'm afraid of those I care about leaving still. I'm still struggling with trusting people. I have trusting God down for the most part, and I'm completely transparent with Him. But I still hide so much from people. I'm still trying to figure myself out, and as a result I'm not completely opening up to people. I like to analyze things before I bring them up to others, and I don't have myself analyzed yet, so there's still so much I'm unsure of and as a result so much that I'm afraid to show others. I'm afraid of myself. Of what I could do, of who I really could be, and there's still a bit more that I have to do to find my voice. But the most important thing is that this last week I need to work getting over myself. I get so caught up in trying to do things alone and press on myself, that I don't accept help from others and as a result I get discouraged because I don't see immediate results. I try to hard to be strong and do things on my own still at times. I need to get over that. And I need to get over seeing results from me, results that "I brought about". I need to stop looking for results. I need to get over myself and just look to the journey, accepting help, helping others, and not worry about what I want to see happen but instead meditate on what God wants to see happen and on what He's doing. So Sarah, those are the things I need to work on this week haha. It looks like so much!!! But honestly it's not. It's all rooted in one thing that I need to work on. And that is letting go, and letting God. If I do that I find me, I find my voice, I accept help, I press on the way I need to, I lose my fear, and I step out in the heart of God!

I'm not really sure where else to go from there. It's so hard to think that Outreach is almost over and that I'll be back in the states in just ten days. This whole experience feels surreal. But one things for sure. I'm not coming back home. A word I kept getting before I left was that that was the last time people I cared about would be seeing me and that I wouldn't be coming back from this trip. And they're right. That was the last time that everyone would see me for who I was. Now I'm going to be entering the States as a completely different person. I'm not the little girl I was before DTS nor even before I left for Thailand. That little girl has been buried and laid to rest. She won't be coming back home. That runner is gone. Now I'm a new creation, and something different. I'm not entirely sure who I even am now, but that's the beauty of it. I don't know who I am because I'm no longer who I was. Now I'm something new, I've been remade. And I don't plan on going back to who I was. I pray that who I was won't ever be seen again, and from here on out I am simply me, but I am me in Christ. From now on I don't want to be who I was, I only want to be who I am in Christ, nothing more nothing less. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling, and to listen to whatever I have to say. I pray that God shows you who He really is and shows you how He really sees you. It's amazing when he does that!

Sincerely yours, 

Someone new.......