Learning To Live Again

So this is my last and final post from Chiang Mai, Thailand. (For now) And if home is where your heart is, then I feel like I'm packing up to leave home. These past few months have absolutely flown by with incredible speed. It's so hard to believe. This week alone we have gone to a cultural dinner that had great family style Thai food and amazing traditional Thai dancing! I didn't understand the dances at all and one involved a man with incredibly short and tight short things, and another involved a somewhat freaky Llama type thing that was a bright yellowish color and shaggy dancing around... But none the less it was an amazing and great experience! Then we went into the slums for two more times and into the bars two more times. Those were such bittersweet moments for me. I got to say goodbye to my little man Amo who made me the Valentine heart, and goodbye to my precious girl Mui. I literally feel like I'm leaving my baby girl behind having to say goodbye to her. But God blessed me so much with being able to love on her and have her love on me and the last time we went in which was this past Friday she just held on to me and sat in my lap and drew me a picture. We had to leave a bit early though, but she said goodbye for the evening to one of her friends and then ran to catch up with me and let me just pick her up and walk her home. She held on to me the whole time and I got to speak so many words of truth from the Father over her! My heart desires so much for her to grow up and become a true daughter of the Risen God! Then in the bars I had to say goodbye to Jha (the woman Josh and I have been meeting with at The Rose Bar), and that was really hard. She hugged us, kissed our cheeks, and told us she loved us and would miss us. Thankfully though she gave me her email so I get to keep in contact with her. Wednesday night we had our last game night here in the Kafe for this round in Chiang Mai (because I'm determined to come back, God has given me such a heart for these people), and it was so much fun! Then Thursday was supposed to be our last night going into the Red Light district but instead it started pouring and storming, so Cassie, Meredith, and I got to praise God in the storm and have a time of worship and intercession on the roof in the rain! It was absolutely incredible!!! And then we have Friday night, which was our last Open Mic Night here for this go around, and I sang. Three times. Willingly. Now any of you who know me well, know that it is extremely hard for me to sing just by my own free choice in front of people. Let alone to sing three songs in one night in front of people. But Anna and I sang Don't Stop Believin, then a Thai girl here (with an incredible voice) asked me to sing Pay Phone with her and another girl and guy, so I did, AND THEN I got up and sang, without any music, with the guy who sang Pay Phone with us but this time we sang Your Great Name. Just our voices, no music, and we hadn't practiced before hand. But the night had turned into an amazing worship session and I felt like God was telling me to praise Him in the midst of being afraid, so I did. It was honestly a terrifying, but great experience! So that has been my last week in Chiang Mai, God did so many things and blessed me so much this week! I can honestly say that I finished hard and sprinted to the finish line! (Even though I still have a little bit more to go)

This whole DTS experience has honestly been so hard though. This is, hands down, one of the hardest things I've ever done. And Outreach has been a constant struggle on so many levels! It honestly felt like the attacks never quite coming, and like I was constantly struggling the whole way, with an exception of this last week. This was one of the hardest things I've ever been through, I'm amazed I got through it all, the old me would not have stuck it out this long. I remember two times on Ourtreach where I was so tempted to just leave. When our head leader came to visit us and was leaving I wanted so bad to just tell her "Hey, do you want a flying buddy? Because I'm done with this and I'm just going to quit and go home. So do you mind if I tag along home with you?", and then when Aaron Got the call from God to follow another path and to head back to the States it was even so much harder to not just say "Make that tickets for two. I'm leaving as well." But God didn't let me. I won't lie, God and I had a few moments where I wasn't happy and where I wanted to just quite and He kept telling me no, so we got into a bit of an argument... Buttttttttttt obviously (and thankfully) I lost. As usual. I'm so glad I can never win arguments with Him. I never honestly want to haha. Even though I was basically constantly having to struggle and felt like I was just getting by compared to everyone else God showed me something. He showed me that it was good I was struggling. I wasn't giving up. And that my experience was different, with different challenges, than everyone else's so I couldn't compare them. Now I can honestly say that even through everything going on I gave my absolute all during this Outreach. I fought as hard as I could, I didn't give up (even though I wanted to), I ran the good race, I fought the good fight, and I am finishing well! Not once did I check out and give anything less than everything I could. It wore me out, wore me down, and drained me completely sometimes, and sometimes I didn't have much I could really give because of everything, but none the less, I gave everything I could! And I am proud to be able to sit here and tell you that in complete honestly.

You see, you can't ever compare how and what you are doing to how/what someone else is doing. Because you each have your own paths to follow. We each have our own struggles, our own trials, our own burdens, and our own paths. So you can never compare one person's walk to that of another. It just doesn't work that way. That's like comparing a baby bunny to a baby elephant. Yeah they're both small and cute and adorable! And you just want to take them both home. But they're completely different in every single way. (Sorry I was thinking about the cute little baby elephant when we went elephant riding) God is going to bring you down completely different paths than anyone else. Yeah they may look similar at times, and at times they make look the exact same. But once you dive into them nothing about them is the same at all! You are created unique in His image, and so is your walk with Him. So don't get caught up in comparing how/what you are doing to that of someone else. Only focus on your personal walk with God and on following Him where ever He leads you. As long as you do that and always give your all to Him, then no matter what it looks like, in the end you will be able to say that you finished well!

It's a sad/bittersweet thing when a season in life ends. But just make sure you can look back on it and say you did your best and you said "yes" every chance that you got to to God. You can look at what you're leaving behind, or you can look at what is ahead. That's something I'm trying to do right now. Focus on what is ahead, and not what is behind. Like I said, I feel like this is home and like heading back to the states I'm leaving home behind. But what I have to do is not focus on that, I have to focus on what God did in this time, the amazing works He did and things He showed me, how He changed me, and what He has in store for me now! It's tough I'll admit, and I honestly don't know what to feel with leaving, but hey, outreach hasn't been any easy thing by any definition of the word, so I don't mind this now. This week has been such an incredible week of freedom for me. God helped me to completely let go and truly give everything up to Him so this week has been such a blessing and such a gift of peace and freedom. God gave me the best gift ever in this week in allowing me to not have any struggles, nor trials for this time, and to be able to completely focus on His work here and now and not have anything else going on at all! It's been AMAZING!!! This was honestly the best week yet. So it helps so much to be able to finish in this way! Even though this whole experience was one of the biggest challenges and struggles I've faced yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world! Everything has been ABSOLUTELY worth it!!!!! If I had it all to do over again, yeah there are some situations I would have avoided, but even if I couldn't and even if it got even harder, still I would do it, because this has been the biggest growing experience and refining experience of my life! like I said, absolutely worth it! I wish that everyone could experience this and see God the way I have gotten the chance to. It didn't always feel happy go lucky, it wasn't all rainbows and lollipops, and it didn't feel "good" all the time either. But it's been the best time! I can't even begin to describe everything that God has taught me and shown me and done to me. There's way too much! But the trials of this life are definitely blessings in disguise!!!

I honestly don't know where to go from there haha. Again this turned out completely different than I had imagined. But hey, that's just another reflection of my life. Things hardly ever turn out the way that I imagine and envision, but they always turn out the way they need to and the way that God desires in the end. All things can be worked for good. So I'm just going with the flow of God, releasing every and all expectations, and simply saying "okay God, what do you have planned this time??? I'm all in!"

Thank you again for listening to the ramblings of this young person. My age may be small, but that just means there's even more years for God to do even more things with!

I pray that God encounters each and every one of you and that He takes you on amazing and incredible journeys with Him!!! He will rock your world if you let Him my friend! Never stop saying "yes" to Him, it will get you to some pretty wild, incredible, and free places in this life!

I'll be back in the states on Thursday February 28, and I would love to get feedback from any and everyone of you who have kept up with my ramblings or read any of them. I'm excited to see what God does in each and every one of your lives if you simply say yes. So I would love to hear from you and see if God has spoken to you through anything that you've read here. If you want to let me know you can just email me at bridgeskara94@yahoo.com, message me on Facebook, or text me at (336) 469-8794. I can't wait to see what God does with you all! And if you're a current, beginning, or retired runner (like myself) I'd love to hear from you, you're not alone in your fight to stand still! Keep trucking and just have faith!

Oh the places you will go and the things you will see when you simply say "Here I am Lord, send me!"

Standing in His glory from now on,
Kara Marie

2 Corinthians 5:17
"So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away - look, what is new has come!"

Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

This week has gone by so fast. It really does seem like time flies. It's so hard to believe that this is now my last week in Chiang Mai and that I only have ten more days left in Thailand.... Absolutely insane. So much has happened in one week that it's hard to really comprehend. We had a man come and speak to us about his life in the mission field and another talk on how to evangelize to and pray for Buddhists. Then we went into the slums more and played with our precious little kids! Those little ones have stollen my heart! I absolutely love them and am going to miss them so much. It makes me sad knowing that I only have two more times of going in and playing with them, but I'm so happy knowing that there are new teams here now that are going to love on them and show them God's heart after we leave. Then we went into the bars some more ( I sadly only have one more day left of going into the bars as well ), and I actually beat the woman, who I've been pouring into and meeting, once in pool. It was by complete luck though, I didn't think I was going to make the shot so I just called a pocket and it went right in, perfectly sunk! The next game I lost though =/ that's more of the normal swing of things haha. She is extremely good at pool! We also reduced the number of our team by one this week, it's one of those bitter sweet things. I know that he is following God's voice and God's plan, but it also made me want to cry seeing him go and taking him to the airport. (okay so confession.... I did cry..... I'll admit that. Just not to Anna haha) So the dynamic of the team has changed quite a bit now, and our schedule and how everything is working is also changing this week as well. Let's see what else happened.... We had a Valentine's Day dinner and our translator came with us! I love that girl so much! That was a lot of fun, we went to the pretty nice (but not overly priced) restaurant and ate. The food was pretty grand. Oh and earlier that day our whole team went into the slums and we decorated paper hearts with the kids. And I wont lie. I was praying to God that I would love to get a Valentine or something this Valentine's (or this Singles Awareness Day haha) and while I was sitting there this little man, named Amo, came up and gave me the heart he had been working on decorating for quite a while! So I ended up getting a Valentine after all! And from an adorable little man, who just so happens to be the little dude I'm holding in my facebook profile pic. When we went in with the other teams I was talking to one of the guys from one of the teams and he came up and almost hit the guy, my little man gets jealous haha. ;) But seriously, I love all of those kids so much!!! A lot more has happened as well, and a lot of personal things, but that's too much to write. 

Now for what God's speaking into my life now. I honestly, at one point, was just talking to God and I just flat out said "Okay God, I'm majorly struggling right now. I really don't want to finish this thing out and I don't want to do the next school. I want to so badly just shut down, retreat into my box again, and disappear. I'm at my breaking point, and I don't want to do this. So if you want me to, then make the path straight. Make it to where I can't go anywhere else, and please give me some help. I'm about to break and I'm so tempted and so close to just checking out right now." And then Amo gave me the card, Muy (this adorable little girl) told me she loved me, the woman I've been meeting up with in the bars said she sees me as her daughter and she loves me and is going to miss me, and God brought some random people into my life who are now helping me with some of the finances for WISE school. Moral of this story, I was about to break, I wanted to run, I was legitly struggling and I couldn't finish alone. So I called on God, and He came! He showed me what I was doing is making a difference, that I am changing the individual, and the world one person at a time. And that I'm meant to be here. He gave me the strength to finish and to get through the struggles because I called on Him. I'm still struggling with personal stuff, but I'm no longer struggling alone. And ya know what, He taught me something about this too. It's good I'm struggling, it's good I'm legitly struggling and having to try so hard and getting worn out and fighting to the end of my strength. Because it drove me closer to Him, made me lay it down and accept His help, and because I am struggling. I'm not running this time when it gets hard, I'm pressing through instead of pressing it down. So struggling is good because it means that we are fighting! God hears our prayers, sees our tears, and is with us when we cry. He understands and feels our struggles, and he knows our pain. We're never alone. We just have to take off the blinders and see that He is here. The first step to that is simply asking for His help. Ask and you shall receive. 

My leader tonight asked me to pray about things that I need to work on during our last week here and to bring them up in our next one on one. Well what she didn't know when she asked that was that God's already been revealing that to me. You see I have a heart that is still broken, I'm still afraid. I'm not terrified anymore like I used to be, but none the less there is still a tiny bit of fear mixed in there. I get attached to people with my heart instead of getting attached to them and loving them with God's heart. So I'm afraid of those I care about leaving still. I'm still struggling with trusting people. I have trusting God down for the most part, and I'm completely transparent with Him. But I still hide so much from people. I'm still trying to figure myself out, and as a result I'm not completely opening up to people. I like to analyze things before I bring them up to others, and I don't have myself analyzed yet, so there's still so much I'm unsure of and as a result so much that I'm afraid to show others. I'm afraid of myself. Of what I could do, of who I really could be, and there's still a bit more that I have to do to find my voice. But the most important thing is that this last week I need to work getting over myself. I get so caught up in trying to do things alone and press on myself, that I don't accept help from others and as a result I get discouraged because I don't see immediate results. I try to hard to be strong and do things on my own still at times. I need to get over that. And I need to get over seeing results from me, results that "I brought about". I need to stop looking for results. I need to get over myself and just look to the journey, accepting help, helping others, and not worry about what I want to see happen but instead meditate on what God wants to see happen and on what He's doing. So Sarah, those are the things I need to work on this week haha. It looks like so much!!! But honestly it's not. It's all rooted in one thing that I need to work on. And that is letting go, and letting God. If I do that I find me, I find my voice, I accept help, I press on the way I need to, I lose my fear, and I step out in the heart of God!

I'm not really sure where else to go from there. It's so hard to think that Outreach is almost over and that I'll be back in the states in just ten days. This whole experience feels surreal. But one things for sure. I'm not coming back home. A word I kept getting before I left was that that was the last time people I cared about would be seeing me and that I wouldn't be coming back from this trip. And they're right. That was the last time that everyone would see me for who I was. Now I'm going to be entering the States as a completely different person. I'm not the little girl I was before DTS nor even before I left for Thailand. That little girl has been buried and laid to rest. She won't be coming back home. That runner is gone. Now I'm a new creation, and something different. I'm not entirely sure who I even am now, but that's the beauty of it. I don't know who I am because I'm no longer who I was. Now I'm something new, I've been remade. And I don't plan on going back to who I was. I pray that who I was won't ever be seen again, and from here on out I am simply me, but I am me in Christ. From now on I don't want to be who I was, I only want to be who I am in Christ, nothing more nothing less. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling, and to listen to whatever I have to say. I pray that God shows you who He really is and shows you how He really sees you. It's amazing when he does that!

Sincerely yours, 

Someone new.......

When you open up to someone and really let them in, you're being vulnerable and you're giving them the right and ability to hurt you. It's a chance you're taking. Yeah it sucks when they take that chance, but chances are a part of life. 

So... This week a recurring theme has been happening. I have a letter from a friend in my Bible as a bookmark and in it they use a passage from Romans 7 verses 15-20 to describe something they're going through and something that God spoke to them. This is the passage: "For I don't understand what I am doing. For I do not do what I want - instead, I do what I hate. But if I do what I don't want, I agree that the law is good. But now it is no longer me doing it, but sin that lives in me. For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For I ant to do the good, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but I do the very evil I do not want! Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer me doing it but sin that lives in me." But...... I also read two random books this week that were not assigned reading, no one told me I had to, I simply decided I wanted some added bulk to the reading list. And in those books that very passage was not only alluded to, it was quoted. Also it just happened to randomly come up during one of my quiet times as well. Coincidence? I think not. 

Something that this passage really speaks of is the evil that we do but don't want to do and yet still do. Why do we as humans do that? We always set our mind to want to do something and to have so many goals and yet we don't truly strive for them, we do the exact thing that we set out not to do. When we are broken and lost and in deep dark places, we do the very thing we don't want to do. And we hurt the very person we set out NOT to hurt. The person we care for the most. It's a constant struggle. Not against what you want to do, but an even stronger struggle agains that which you absolutely do not want to do. It's like when you really open up to someone and let them in and let the see the true you. That gives them the opportunity and the chance to hurt you. They may love you, they may truly deeply care for you, and they may love you more than their very own life. But there's still that 50/50 chance that they'll hurt you. They may not want to hurt you, but they may do just that. Even though they don't want to. It's a chance we take with life. We humans are such an interesting species. We don't want to hurt and yet we cause ourselves more pain, we don't want to hurt someone but half the time by trying not to we do, we want to be with someone but we run from them, we fall in love with someone and become afraid and end up leaving. The list of our paradoxes goes on and on. Always we're having to struggle to try not to do what we don't want to do. It doesn't make any sense. But it's life. 

Life is a really funny thing. And it NEVER turns out the way we want it to. This world is full of broken and hurting people who are being crushed under such weight from their past that they can't see the lights of freedom. And I was one of those people. I was existing in the present, but living in the past. How often do we do that?We "mess up" what we have going and the futures we have within our grasps because we are still living in the past. We haven't moved on from what happened, what we did, what we felt, whatever it is holding us back we can't let go. That's exactly how I was. If someone hurt me I never forgot that pain, yeah I would forgive them and act alright, but that pain would still be inside of me, in my mind, in my heart, in who I was. I was giving away pieces of my heart and of who I was left and right because whenever someone hurt me I never let go. I remembered that pain and became terrified of it happening again. Giving your heart away doesn't just happen when you do something physical and sexual with someone or even just emotionally give it away. It happens when you don't let go to what happened, when you hold on to any pain or harm that someone caused, when you live in the past. It tears you apart piece by piece until nothing is left but an empty shell of the person who was. That's what was happening to me. Romans 7:24 really expresses what I felt and really thought if I was honest and laid down my masks and my walls. "Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" That's all that life had become, a body of death. At every turn, in every moment, I was dying even more. That's the only thing that was certain and that I could count on, death. It was going to happen, and it was already creeping up on me so swiftly. 

The certainties in life are supposed to be life, love, and freedom through Christ! Not death. Not destruction. Not pain. What are the certainties in your life? Are you doing the very things you don't want to do? Are you living in your past while seemingly existing in the present? Are you giving yourself away piece by piece and living in a body of death? If you answered "yes" to one, more, or all of those questions, well there's hope. You don't have to die. You don't have to lose yourself and become one of the walking dead. Your heart can beat again, you can feel again, you can love again, and most importantly you can trust again. It's one of the hardest things to do, to actually do and gain what you want to. But the struggle and the pain that you have to face because of it is worth it! There were so many times where I wanted to run, so many chances to do so, but I didn't. I stopped letting the pain kill me, and instead I faced a different type of pain. The pain that was my heart starting back again. The pain of life beating through my veins once more. The pain of the sunlight burning away my seemingly everlasting night. It hurts, and it flat out SUCKS sometimes. Sometimes you just want to and have to scream. But it's a pain that hurts so good because you realize that you're not dying anymore, you're killing your flesh and letting your spirit live! Inevitably in order to live you must become a murder and become "suicidal" and die. You have to murder your flesh and kill it, you have to be willing to die and to kill yourself - kill that part of you that does what you don't want to do, and you have to really let that part die. I love how the only way to truly live and to truly escape death is to die. It's amazing the way God works so many things out. 

I know it's super easy to speak these things and to talk all big and seem all bold on paper and in print when you aren't having to actually face to face with people. But trust me, I'm not just blowing smoke, and I'm not just typing and saying these things because I want to look smart. I'm bearing struggles I'm fighting, I'm being vulnerable with you, and I'm being real. While I'm typing these things, I'm still going through them and I'm still fighting them. It's a life long struggle. Some things happened earlier this week that made me want to scream. I was enraged, past a point that few have seen me cross. And I just wanted to fight back and/or run. I wanted to get far away from everything. Because the width of the world wasn't even enough space. I just wanted to run, I wanted to scream, to cry, to do something but feel pain. I wanted to lash out. But.... I didn't. My flesh wanted to do all those things. But I honestly didn't want to do those things. The part of me that has grown and that has gotten closer to Christ didn't want to do them at all. I wanted to just forgive, let go, and move on. I had to really fight against doing what the sin in me wanted to do but was the very thing that I didn't want to do. And guess what, I won that battle. The Christ in me won. I didn't do what I didn't want to do. And 1 Corinthians 10:13 shows why/how. "No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others. And God is faithful: He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trail he will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it." God had given me this verse I thought for someone else, but instead it was for me too. And it's for you. Whatever you face, no matter how big, no matter how dark, how painful, how scary, you can get over it and you can escape it. He will ALWAYS provide a way out and nothing will be to big that it will overtake you. He will never give you something too big for Him to handle in you. So always give whatever you face up to Him. That's what I did. Instead of running again I stood put. Instead of lashing out again and fighting, I prayed for them. Instead of letting my anger fester, I asked for God's eyes to see them the way they really are. And instead of dwelling on my own pain, I asked for God's heart to understand theirs and know why. Ask and you will receive. It's true. I got what I asked for. And lost my ability to be angry, and my desire to be angry as well. 

You see, when you truly live you have to face the possibility of pain, betrayal, hardships, and everything. But it doesn't matter what happens to you, it matters what you do in response to what happens. When you fall will you get back up? When life throws lemons at you will you throw them back with anger and "justice"? Or will you take those lemons and use them to do the goofy lemon peel smiles, and get the insanely funny expressions that you can only get from sucking on their intensely sour juice? Do you really want to be bogged down by your past and past pain? Or do you want to grow from it, find the good, find the silver lining, and have fun learning from mistakes and getting closer to the heart of God? Because let me tell you... There's always something to laugh about. There's always something to rejoice in. And there's always an opportunity to be a witness to someone else with everything that you do. 

It all comes down to this question: When life hits you, will you do that which you don't want to do, or will you fight and do what your soul and Christ in you really wants to do?

Thank you for taking the time to sit through reading all of my rambling. I am a young person, with an old soul and an over asking mind. When I say I just let these go wherever they want to I mean that. And this one is no exception. I wasn't planning on writing about any of this at all. I was going to do more of a day by day, event based outline of this week. But hey, this is already all typed out and it's what God laid on my heart. 

So here you go my friends. This is the first blog post from Chiang Mai, and just a drop in the thoughts of my mind and in what all God has to reveal through each and every one of us. Are you going to run, or are you going to say "yes Lord" and find your voice to finally speak? Looks like this little lion is finally deciding to find her voice. I pray you are too. May God bless each and every one of you, and may He encounter you in completely shattering and world wrecking ways that mold you into the masterpiece of clay that you are meant to be! Thank you again for your time, thoughts, and prayers. 

So this week I got to ride an elephant just riding it's bare neck with nothing to hold on to and I just had to brace my arms on it's head and it was so great! So much fun!!! The elephant I rode was also a mommy! So her little baby followed us and led the momma the whole hour we rode on the trail. It was so cute!!! Then we went and met some people from one of the hill tribes here and I finally got my blanket from Thailand that I've been searching for! THEN we had a great and yet simple lunch, went and saw a beautiful waterfall AND went bamboo rafting!!! It was so much fun!!! That was such a great and amazing day! I also got interviewed with Sarah about ladyboys, got to see a bunch of YWAMers do karaoke and have open mic night. Went into the slums, hung out and played pool in a bar in a red light district here, and got to see God move in amazing and indescribable ways! And even went to a temple on top of a mountain, and got to climb around on a waterfall that is only about a fifteen minute hike from where we're staying! Then tonight we went to this huge market down a bunch of streets called the Sunday market, it was HUGE, crowded, and had so much cool stuff!! This week was amazing! It makes me kind of sad though that I have only 14 days left in Chiang Mai and 17 days left in Thailand. These two months have gone by so fast...

So that's a brief description of my first full week in Chiang Mai, Thailand! God has also been revealing so much to me. There have been a lot of ups and great times, but also some down and tough times. Life truly is a roller coaster. And God is definitely taking me for a ride! But it's a completely fun and amusing ride and there are never times of boredom. 

The reoccurring theme of this week has been love, time, and God, and how all three of them fit together so well. They are such amazing mysteries. Love: the thing that everyone desires and yet fears the most. Time: the thing that everyone has but no one owns, possesses, nor can control. And God: the amazing driving force behind everything. He is in all, over all, surrounding all, and always there. 

So for time. Time is something we all have and yet can never get enough of. It's always going and always running out. We're always looking for ways to obtain it and control it and always losing it in the process. Time constantly ticks away and once it's in front of you to hold and to finally grasp, it is then gone and completely out of reach. Time is such an amazing and complex puzzle. No one can understand it and no one can ever keep it from going. 

Love. Love is such a funny thing. It's something we crave and long for and can spend our whole life searching for it yet at the same time spend our whole time running from it. Love is complete abandonment or yourself, and yet complete control over yourself at the same time. It's pure, always protecting, never keeping record of wrong. It's forgiving, and forgetting, it's holding on till the end, it's letting go. Love is patient and kind. Strong and endearing, as well as enduring. Love sticks it out when times are tough, knows when to walk away, knows when to hold on tighter. It is selfless, in judging, it is life, it is dying to your flesh, it is constantly giving without asking to get anything back. Love is a very strange thing. It goes on and on and on and can bloom and blossom in a moment, and grow for a lifetime. Never will we completely understand love, just as we will never completely understand God, who is love. Even when people leave, when they doubt, accuse, destroy, and hurt, love is still there. Still love remains. The love I'm talking about isn't some passionate lust, or a living need for someone, it isn't a dependency on someone, and it isn't the stuff of fairy tales. It can get rough, it can be painful, it can rip you apart, but in doing so it will bring you true life. The love I'm talking about is loving with the Father's heart. Not with your own. Love is a choice. But it's not a choice to give your heart away to that "one". It's a choice to rip out your heart and hand it still bleeding to The Maker and allow Him to stitch you back up and place His heart inside of your chest and make you more complete than you ever could have been with your own heart! 

So often I hear people talk about giving their heart away to the one they love, to that one person. But that's not the way love was meant to be. God has shown me this this week, and throughout my life. I may be only 18, but He's rocked my world and open my eyes to the things unseen. He's shown me what love really is. True love is giving your heart away to Him and taking His in return. Because our hearts are made to only be given to one, only to belong to one being. But God's heart is meant to flow freely, to give life abundantly, and to never run dry. Once we give our heart away to a person it can get broken. But if you give your heart to God He will shatter it (in the good way) and give you His heart in return that was you can eternally give away love and give it freely without being sucked dry. If you have the Father's heart and if that is what you love with then you will see life and potential and beauty everywhere. You will see everyone as they were originally made to be and you can help them reach that. And you can love "the one" so much more completely and purely. With His heart you can stick it out through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. 

You see God is eternal in all things. He is eternal in time, in love, in life, in light, in freedom, in everything. Especially in His imagination. Just look around you, look at what He made. He made it all! He made everything unique, there is literally NOTHING on this earth that is exactly the same as another. It's impossible. We humans can't creat perfect replicas since we ourselves are imperfect, and God didn't want to create any one thing the exact same as the other. EVERYTHING is unique in it's own way. How amazing is that?? Even the way that each person is meant to love and to receive His heart is completely different than another. It's just who He is. He is relatable, lovable, trustworthy, capable, and completely impossible to understand! It's so incredible how completely simple and yet absolutely complex He is. And we are made in His image! Literally the only one who can fully understand us is God our Father. We can't even understand ourselves completely. (And in my case I can't understand myself hardly at all haha) But I find so much comfort in knowing that no matter how confused I am about life, everything, and myself He still knows it all! How great us that?? He knows all and controls all! I love that about Him because it means I don't have to worry, all I have to do is say "yes", stop running, and follow His voice!

So these are the thoughts of this eighteen year old and these are the things that God has been speaking to me this week. Thank you for taking your time to read them! It means a lot! God bless each and every one of you! And remember, you're never alone in the struggle to stand still.