Alrighty so now time for the second installment in the "When a Runner Stops Running" series. God has been revealing a lot to me this week and He really has been showing me more about myself through these people. The ladyboys that I get to work with they all have the same problem. They've lost their voice, they've lost their desire to be the strong leaders they were created to be and they've lost the will to speak up about truth and about what they want and what they feel is right. I can relate to that. Because of things in my past I lost my voice and I lost my desire to lead and the will to really speak up when it matters. Sometimes I can speak up when I need to, but when it comes to people pushing boundaries that I set up, I allow them to cross the lines more often than not, and I can't even tell if emotions I feel are real or just a false product of circumstances sometimes. I justify keeping quiet and allowing it by saying to myself "Well it's not really that big of a deal and it's not really anything bad that they're doing. They're just pushing the boundaries a little bit, not much though." But that's a lie. It doesn't matter how small of a situation it is that someone is pushing the limits in, if you give them an inch they will take a mile. When we run we aren't just hiding our pain and trying to avoid it, we are pushing down our will to fight and our will to speak up!
I didn't just lose my voice by running, I lost who I was. By trying to save myself I really lost everything. Funny thing how so often when we try our absolute hardest to save something and keep it safe we actually end up losing it because of how hard we tried. The paradoxes of life are so intriguing at times. I'm finally getting to find myself and my true identity now. It's a struggle, and it's painful at times, it's challenging, and hard, and sometimes all I want to do is run screaming. But when you just stand still and let God show you what needs to be shown, and when you face your fears, you realize they're really not that scary, and you wonder "why on earth did I ever run so fast from that?!?!". At least, that's what happens with me. I see the things I ran from, and the things I ran to and I just am dumbfounded thinking "Why the heck did I run from [insert thing ran from here] to [insert thing ran to]?! [Thing ran to] was so much worse and so much scarier than [thing ran from]...." And that tends to be the case so often! We run from something so tiny in the big picture to something huge that just causes us more pain. I know if I had never ran to begin with I wouldnt be where I am now, but life also wouldn't have been as painful as it has been and I wouldn't be having to deal with facing everyhing all at once now. Moral of that huge paragraph. Don't run, stand, fight, and face your fears with God at your side! It's so much easier!
So far this week in the land of Thai I have gotten to hang out with some ladyboys some more, spend some time talking in one of the bars with one, got hit on a few times by random drunk (or sometimes just dilusional men) with some of the other girls from my team, had some awkward one on one's with my leader Sarah just because there are some decisions I have to face and some things I have to do, worked in a coffee shop, prayer walked and waged spiritual warfare on streets that are completely dedicated only to sex trafficking, met with my head leader who came to visit from the states about my future and my future plans. Honestly the future is scary. For someone who loves to know and just loves knowing, the unknown can be a bit unsettling. But I'm finally learning to see the fun in it! It can be like one big, thrilling, mysterious adventure that you get to participate in front row and that always leaves you guessing till the end. To me that sounds like fun. So it makes me wonder why I ever ran from it. Life can be just as fun and amazing or horrible and scary as you let it be. It all depends on how much you really let go to God.
TANGENT: Sometimes running and standing still and standing firm can look like almost the exact same thing! Like what I just had to do..... To me it looked like I was just running again from another fear and shutting another person out. But this time it was actually something that God was telling me to do and not something I wanted to do. At all. Just saying. There's a fine line sometimes between running and finding your voice. But a good way to tell which you're doing is: if you're having to do something that you really don't want to do and having to do what needs to be done over what you desire, then you're most likely standing firm and finding your voice. So basically.... The suckiness of making that decision is what confirmed that it was the right thing for me to do haha. Because a child does what it wants, but an adult does what needs to be done. And that needed to be done but Heaven knows I didn't wanna do it.
Back to the topic though. So this week has been so interesting and strange and challenging. I've really been tested to step out of my comfort zones and to do things that I don't want to do but need to be done. I've been called up a lot by my leaders and my peers, and God has clearly placed in front of me the next task that I need to do. It's so easy to just hide your emotions, and hide your reactions, and control yourself and not let anyone in. That's super easy to do and just comes naturally for me and for some. The hard thing is being open, being honest, and being vulnerable. That sucks royally to be honest. Having to risk allowing someone to hurt you. Not cool. But that's life. If there wasn't the risk of pain and if there wasn't the risk of things going wrong and not going as planned then we'd be DEAD. D-E-A-D. Only the dead don't have to worry about that. Life, true living, is characterized by pain and how you use that pain as a witness for Christ.
In order to really live we have to let Christ have FULL reign in our lives. Not just let Him take control when we're scared, or when we're happy, or confused, or any amount of time that isn't fully 100%. If you only give something half way, then why really give? God has waited literally your whole life for you to say yes to Him and to really give your life to Him! You can't really give your life though unless you give it all. Don't be like the luke warm church that it is literally said of that Christ would rather them be hot or cold but instead they are luke warm so He wants to spit them out of His mouth. No one wants lukewarm water to drink! You either want ice cold water or piping hot water depending on what you're going to do with it. Our lives are the same. God would rather us be completely turned against Him and just give Him a no or completely on fire for Him saying yes every opportunity we can. It's a hard thing to do, saying yes all the time, but it's what we were made to do! I know in my case I wasn't made to live my life in my little shell running inside like a turtle the moment any hint of danger comes around. No. Instead God made me to be a roaring lion. He created me and hand molded me to stand firm, chase down my temptations and tear them apart and be done with them. He made me to seek out and protect those little cubs who are just growing and finding their roars. I'm meant to stand firm in the face of danger and stare it down and stand my ground with God at my side. Instead I've become a little turtle. I look all cool and protected with my hard colorful shell. I look like I'm the bomb and I look so chill just swimming in the water poking my head out to look at the world. But the moment a ripple hits the pond I quickly recede to the depths of the water back into the comforts of my shell. Something's not right with that picture. A lion choosing to be a turtle. That's not right. You can tell there's something off with that picture. It's apparent with my life that that's not good. Well it's the same with you if you're a runner like me. You're just hiding in your little shell in your little pond poking your head out a few times and thinking that you're actually living. Well to be blunt you're not. There's a whole world out there raging with so many wonders and you're just seeing one tiny piece of it because you're afraid to come out to play. When we were kids and we fell down and got scraped up did that keep us from going right back outside and doing the exact same thing right after our moms kissed our "booboos", put a cool band aid on our cuts, and opened the door up again? Did we just stay inside until we grew up? HECK NO! I know whenever I fell out of a tree, crashed my bike, busted my head open and had to get stitches, or broke my leg I was right back out there doing the exact same thing and enjoying the wonders of life the very next moment I could. How come we get that concept as kids? When we're little we understand that life isn't about trying not to fall and about trying not to get hurt, it's about how many times you get back up, the battle wounds you can show and say that you got over and healed from, and all the adventures you had. We understand that life's more fun when you get down and dirty and when you get all scraped up. That's living. And it doesn't have to change now that we're older and "more mature". Christ calls us to be like little children and in Isaiah 11:6 it says that "a little child will lead them." So my challenge for you for this week and for the rest of your lives comes from Luke chapter 21 verses 12-19 "But before all this [speaking of the End of the Age], they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. This will result in your being witnesses to them. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. All men will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. By standing firm you will gain life." That doesn't sound like a easy painless life. It's not supposed to. But we are called to use those "horrible" moments as times to be a witness. So I challenge you to fully follow Christ and give everything up to Him and allow Him complete control! And to stand firm and gain true life!
Truly let the Lord's spirit have full reign on your life and stop running. If you want to be free then stand firm and let God's spirit fully encase your entire life. 2 Corinthians 3:17 "Now The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of The Lord is, there is freedom." Find that freedom, stand your ground, and finally find your roar. You're not alone in this hard, scary, painful journey. I'm right here fighting to stand still as well. We have to be as innocent as lambs, but as cunning as wolves. And wolves stay together. They hunt as a pack, they run as a pack, but more importantly.... They stand as a pack. You're never alone. There's a whole pack of us fighting to stand still and allow the Spirit of The Lord to have full reign. My question is though....
Are you going to find your roar, or are you going to go back into your comfortable shell and run again missing out on this wicked insane adventure?? It's your choice. The only one stoping us from living is ourselves. The only one who holds me back is me. And the only one who keeps you from coming alive is you.
A retiring runner,
~Kara
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